Got back my progress report last week and my results are like a piece of shit. Ok it was really a bad start to begin with for my JC life. Passed everything but it was all boarder line passes.. Had to see the econs teacher for PTM cause i got a sub pass hahahahaha. I be crying man but no be strong zuoen.

Today is the first meeting for tennis after so long finally!! But it was really disappointing. First of all, Nikki is absent from school so i had to go alone. The question being asked there is whether we want to start tennis early and end early or start late and end late. -This refers to the period of training. WHY? Because there is limited funds the school has especially for (expensive??) CCA like tennis which didn't win any awards for the school so they probably channel more of the funds to some other CCA. So in conclusion, we can only afford ONE coach for a limited period of time. My first impression was like.. WHAT WHY SO CHEAPSKATE ONE. The teacher-in-charge even said don't expect so much in terms of learning how to play tennis because most of us are newbies who don't even know the rules nor scoring system. So we got to do some homework at home regarding how to play tennis. He even mentioned he might give us a test at the end of the year. WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT. 

This is really a bad start too. Big sigh to me for always ending up in budget schools which can't afford anything much. I was still so excited for tennis and now the whole CCA doesn't seem like a properly structured one to me, god! I hope i will gain something out of it by the end of my journey here. I just want to pick up a skill, that's all. PLEASE DON'T DISAPPOINT ME MY DEAR TENNIS :(

So... today is your sports day and you probably won an award, yay for you! But that picture with Janelle was so disappointing to see. No rights to be jealous nor grumble over it but i still have to admit how pissed i am over it. I did something so childish i can't even believe i did it. I posted that photo of you and her in our memories space captioned "33rd month and 1st sports day w her". 33rd refers to our monthsary today if we were still together. 

That day after telling me that we shouldn't talk anymore and all the mean stuffs, i checked your twitter and you said "Sorry i had to make you leave me". Was rather relieved to know you were at least sorry but you deleted that tweet after a few days. I don't know what's your intention but you probably didn't want to seem weak? I'm guessing but sorry not sorry too. You didn't even meant your apology. 

You know when people say something like "Seeing you happy make me happy even if it's not with me, that's fine". I totally agree with the seeing you happy makes me happy but hey if you really love(d) that somebody it's fine? ITS FINE IF ITS NOT WITH YOU? wow. That love could have been so great but not within my range of love. That's not the kind of love i had wanted to end up with. Because of this theory, how many times have you just let go because OH IM SO TIRED. Oh this is crap. I am undergoing so much more stress than you, you don't even have the rights to compare. Yes you gave up so much, have i not? Remember i got slapped because of us? Remember how i risked everything for you? Remember all that i have done for you? No you don't remember. You only remember how much time i can't spent with you, how restricted my life is to be with you, how lousy of a person i am to you. Yes that's all you know, boy. You never ever ever ever ever since the honeymoon period died down, saw the good in me. Thanks baby, really. Thanks for making me feel so stupid because i am unable to get over someone like you. You're going to have so many things to rebut my argument today if you ever knew. But just keep quiet, i know you did much more than i know too, i know. Be assured i do and i really do. 

Was it worth it? Think about it. To be honest, for me, i don't know.

Finally got my laptop back after a few days. Turned out the keyboard was faulty and it is replaced. 

AND today is the school deadline for final submission of PI so....... this means i have completed my PI YAY!!!! It wasn't easy but last minute work motivation really gave it a push hahahaha .

So 3 days ago out of my expectations, you actually continued my conversation at night. And of course the first day will be great, as always. It was really like a big bonus gift i never though would happen, hehe :-)

And today marks the end of our conversation. My busy schedule with so much commitments everywhere (Mostly school work of course), i knew we wouldn't make it. So yes, this problem surfaced again and today you said "I think we shouldn't talk anymore". BOOMZ. 

You're still rude with your vulgarities and telling me all over again how much of a loser i am to you. But worse of all you said something i thought i would only hear in the movies. "Knowing you was the biggest regret of my life and dating you was the worse decision made" Ouch. It was really courageous to say such words because it would have killed me mentally to say it and hurt someone this way. I'm not a saint but these words are really hard to say. I wouldn't say choosing you was the best choice i have made, but you just can't regret someone who (used to?) mean  the world to you. You (i) gave up so much for us if you realized. I hope it hurt you that little deep inside when you said it.

BUT i could somehow feel some intention over your words. It feels like you said that so my life is easier, or so i thought. 

Its pouring outside right now with the deafening thunder striking so ever often. Is this how my heart feels? Just kidding hahahahaha.  

Things aren't going smoothly for me today today. All the computers in the house not in the right state for me to type my documents and the other laptop is sent for repair. Last night while typing my document, the whole computer hanged and i thought i lost that shitty document i have been typing for hours. Honestly and sincerely i dislike doing PW. Okay maybe just the brainstorming of creative ideas part. Oh man, how in the world am i creative.

Somehow this morning saw some random picture with the caption "Send this to guys if they are mean to you" so i sent it to you. I don't know where that sudden courage came from but yeah, i did it. Everything went rather as expected. I am a liar to you, never did anything i promised. "Don't expect anything", "its over". "Don't even know why i am talking to you right now". All the words i expected surfaced. But i really wonder why are you so busy? You repeated it twice and also the last time before you walked away.

But at least i'm reassured you're not over me just like i am not over you. I told you i thought about 6th April last year when i went back to Yuhua that day, i doubt you know what i mean. I told you to tell me when you enlist into army. I doubt you would. You said "You don't have to wait for me to fall in love with some other people to forget me". Why won't you understand?

Its another tiring day of work and trying my very best to get you off my mind (its really exhausting) So many photos of you and your friends having fun in JB are surfacing on Instagram, that girl is talking to you again on twitter and probably texting you too. Or have you guys went for another movie date again despite barely knowing each other. Or maybe in my many times of absence you have built a relationship stronger than ours? My insecurities are eating me up hun. Its 6 days to our 1000th day or maybe not so much of 1000 days because there were too much of "breakups" in between. But nevertheless, 1000 days ago it was when you said you were jumping for joy when i said yes at 01.22pm. Its been a week since you last checked our only source of memories. Its feels like i'm at the second degree sometimes but at other times, it feels like its the sixth degree where i admit i may have messed up a little. I've been using wechat to make calls i know you wouldn't answer. But also because of the same reason i have the courage to call and see that "Not responding" before each call ends.It feels exactly like i have called you because of how you would not answer my calls in such circumstances. Strange isn't it? I want to call you but at the same time i don't want to.

I don't know what's my stance right now but i'll probably figure it out as time ticks away painfully. I want to run into your embrace and melt all my pain away yet i want to push you away for causing me so much pain. 

Sometimes i think i am so strong, no one, not even myself knows that i am struggling. 

Last night i wondered to myself, how can someone break your walls so easily without knowing how to build it back. Not everyone could do it, but you did. 

Project work PI deadline is on Tuesday and here i am still blogging while i am still stuck at my first draft hahaha. Its just not my cup of tea. I've been avoiding it for as long as i can. Definitely won't get my fantastic grade for it :(((( But argh, this sucks so much. Probably going to spend my night doing my last push (or maybe second last) push for it. Wish me luck! 

Just bought  new laptop one month ago and now its down :(((((( Its frustrating really because i already started storing my documents inside. This is also why i don't really favor these technologies. Sure, i need them and the bring lots of convenience to my life but the only major problem about it which i hate is that THEY DON'T LAST AT ALL!

Well, i would say it like relationships in this era. Everyone is rushing into a relationship when really, we aren't mature enough for it yet. I am no exception. I wouldn't say i regretted because i never knew how i could get so mentally and physically attached to someone. I still remember those last words before you walked away that day.

"You know how busy i am a not?"

"I don't even know why i am here today"

"You cry so easily, just like me in the past"

"Don't ask so much"

"I'm waiting to see how long you'll take to speak"

"Lets break up"

"I thought you would alight at the next stop"

As i'm recalling, did you hear it? Something is cracking and probably shattering now.

I don't understand why some part of me still wants you back. Someone i know will hurt me so bad and tear my into pieces, this is crazy. I suppose its the "Six degree of separation". -Thats a title of a song i heard from my friends recently and i can relate to it so well, i addicted to it. The lyrics goes like this ........

First, you think the worst is a broken heart

What's gonna kill you is the second part

And the third, is when your world splits down the middle

And fourth, you're gonna think that you fixed yourself

Fifth, you see them out with someone else 

And the sixth, is when you admit that you may have messed up a little.

*Ok i copied and paste from the net because i'm lazy to type. *

I have no idea which stage i am at right now, but on the bright side i guess i am not alone.

Alright back to my topic of today.

So, yesterday was Yuhua's speech day 2014. I rushed over right after my school ends at 5.30pm. I was really looking forward to this day, not because i wanted to take my testimonial so badly but in the hope that we will stand on the same ground because last year 6th of April, we were right here, both in our uniforms. But nevertheless, i had a great catching up session with my friends :-)

So, just after i left school and we were deciding where to eat because there was 12 of us and it was dinner time, you called. So many things were running through my head. You saw me? Your friends saw me? I picked up almost immediately. And the first thing you asked was where am i? But it was because my mum called you thinking we were together. Strictly speaking, we should be together if we were together. You were so calm during that call and you ended it so quickly. But picking up my mum's call at least, does it mean you cared? I don't know man. 

As the saying goes, easier said than done.

 Two years is long enough for someone to get mentally and physically attached to another person. Lets not speak for a relationship that lasted more than that. The issues have been persisting for quite awhile, so many promises and vows to get over it together was made by it still came to this point of separation. 

Its probably been one month now and this is the toughest part of getting over someone. It happened before but i gave in to the overwhelming feelings of missing that particular someone. This exhausting endless cycle, those back views of him walking away time and again even when i last saw him. Those mean words that hurts like hell and that harsh tone. 

Even after he walked away, the last words he left were all excuses. He said "I left bcos i didnt want to see you go". Really? 

How on earth will i ever get over this drama